1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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