I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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