I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
