It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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