Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
