I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
