Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We left the knife in your bed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
