You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
