While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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