Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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