just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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