also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
