My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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