and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
