How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize