3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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