There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
