I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
