Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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