my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
