She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
