My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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