I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
