I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
