What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
