Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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