I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
