I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
