dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
