haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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