I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
