Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
