I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
