Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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