We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
