I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
