yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
