2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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