Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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