nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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