Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
