Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
