So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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