I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
