Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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