Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
