i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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