i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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