wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
