I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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