my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
