do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
