Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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