wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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