I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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