I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
