my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
then he tried to convert me to islam
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The air taste purple.
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