Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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