he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
