I met the friendliest cop last night
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
be right there i have to get my cape
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
