I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
