These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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